Some people have asked me if Elijah and I are going to have a another baby soon because Jacen's nearing the two year mark and you know, kids are usually spaced out two years apart. Well, to people's horror and disbelief, I tell them no. And in fact, we're done having kids. This has actually been a decision that both of us (Elijah isn't 100% going for it still but he understands the situation) made a few weeks ago, way before Jacen got into the Terrible Two's mode.
We tried for a few months last year to have another one. Elijah wanted another one, and Jacen could benefit from having a sibling, so we tried. I tried for the sake of the boys, because I don't want another one. Obviously, we tried without success and then we had to make a decision: do we try again this year or do we wait 10 years? There's just no way I'm gonna have another baby around the time I'm taking the MCAT and applying for med schools and flying around to interview. But also, it'd be tough to have another one in 10 years because we'd be pretty much starting all over again, not to mention the age difference would be of about 12 years and they wouldn't know each other very well. So our decision was to stop and get a cat instead (that'll be Jacen's birthday gift this year).
I know Elijah would love more kids. He wants three of them. I, on the other hand, never wanted any. But we failed to discuss this issue before we got married, and then the unthinkable happened: I got pregnant. I cried hysterically the day I found out. But it was something I needed to be grateful for considering I was told we could never have kids unless I had medical intervention. So we got Jacen.
I feel terrible that now that Jacen's growing up and has gotten into the Terrible Two's stage, I feel very inadequate to be a mom. I mean, I can handle pre-med school stuff all day and deal with all these things that I have to do, but when it comes down to handling a nearly 2 year old boy throwing himself on the ground and crying and screaming at the top of his lungs because he can't play with the power outlet, I get frazzled. And I REALLY don't know what to do. I wasn't made for this.
You know how people sometimes make the mistake of sending a text message to the wrong person? Well, more and more often now I feel like Jacen was sent to me by mistake. I've cried more in the last couple of months because of this than I have in years put together. I'm not a crier at all, and for me to be crying over motherhood issues is so tough for me. This is something I'm not handling well and I am terrified.
The only thing I could think of doing is to pray every morning for patience to last me through the day. I tried it this morning (along with a fountain of waterworks) and let's see if it does the trick. If it doesn't, then I don't know what else to do.
If I can't handle one child, how am I supposed to handle two, or let alone three?!
7 comments:
Isn't it funny how the old saying: "just you wait till you have your own children" is true! No one can really understand parenthood until they become a parent...and very few people understand the demands on a mother. Maybe because of that, no one is really equipped or fully prepared for motherhood. Just look at our own parents. As children, we knew they were smart, we knew they had all the answers to everything, knew what was right from wrong, could build anything, could cook anything, could be anyone. Now, after having our own children, we realize they were in the same position as we are. Feeling clueless, sometimes frustrated, overwhelmed, and wanting guidance. But know you are a good mother! All children test their limits and boundaries. That can't make one not fit to be a mother! (But I know it can make one feel that way.) Our little ones don't see it that way, however. They view us as all-knowing, loving, strong, and fun to be with. That's what keeps me going. They don't know we've adopted the motto "fake it till you make it!" My little man is 17 months old today. Independent and strong willed more than ever. Thank you for sharing. You are a very loving and caring mother.
Oh, Silvia! I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I can honestly say I've felt like you do quite a bit. There are days I want to pull my hair out and take Devin to spend a couple of weeks with his grandma. It's just so strange to hear you say that you're not made to be a mom, yet I've told Jeremy on more than one occassion that I think you are so good with Jacen. I've watched the way that you interact with him and sometimes wish I had what you had--Believe it or not!!! Just don't give up. You are so good at everything you do including being a Mom. I love you!!
Silvia-I know just how you feel! I've had those moments many times! Toddlerhood is rough, for sure. August was a great fit thrower and it was SO hard for me because I was a single mom and going to school on top of working. It will get better! You are a great mom! The few things that have helped me are 1. Consistency is VERY important which I'm sure you already know. At this age they really need to be able to expect what's coming. 2. Remember the saying "Don't sweat the small stuff!" I wish I had taken that more to heart when August was little. I probably would have saved myself from a ton of breakdowns. 3. And try to enjoy every moment you have with him because before you know it they're almost done with elementary school and are soon to hit the teen years! Time really does fly! But most of all remember you are not alone in this. Every mother has felt this sometime or another! You are an awesome mom and he's going to be very proud of you one day for all you do!Let me know if you need anything!
Silvia....I don't have any kids so I certainly don't know how you feel, but I can only imagine if I happened to have a baby at this point in my life (it would be a miracle, first off!!!) I would probably feel the same way. I know it must be beyond tough to not only work, but go to school and raise a child!!! I think you are an amazing woman and what you are doing is no small feat! You're awesome and if there is anything I can EVER do for you, please just ask! I hope I get to see you soon! :)
Silvia I know I am not a mother and have no idea what you are going through but I also know I have seen you with Jacen and you are an excellent mother. He loves you and I think that he is just going through something that every child goes through. Just remember that this will pass and things will get better. Hopefully your prayers will be answered. I think that you are just being tested to see just how strong you are and remember that god will not give you a challenge that you cant over come. Love you girly if you need anything let me know!!
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